Friday, July 30, 2010

Overlooked Documents in the Afghan Wikileaks

• A note, signed by Osama bin Laden, requesting that his shoes be “shined by tomorrow morning” on a memo pad from the Islamabad Pakistan Comfort Inn.
• A postcard from Pakistan’s most popular tourist destination, Multan, addressed to President George W Bush, reading “Wish you were here – ha ha ha! Love, Osama,” with an additional note scribbled on the bottom reading, “Good one, Osama—al Zawahiri.”
• A personalized sheet of stationery, printed with “From The Desk Of Osama bin Laden” across the top, with a handwritten list titled “Christmas Cards – 2002,”with the name “Donald Rumsfeld” prominently crossed off.
• A Chinese take-out menu, with a note in bin Laden’s handwriting scrawled across the front reading ‘The Mu Shu Pork sucks!”
• A Sunday Newspaper insert for unmanned aircraft parts from “Crazy Osama’s” with the tag line, “Our prices are insane!!”
• An encouraging note from the tour organizer of the 2005 “ZZ Top Rocks The World” Tour, reading, “Thank you for your interest in being a back up dancer for the tour. Unfortunately, we had many qualified candidates who bore a strong resemblance to the band. We encourage you to work on your dance moves and try out again next year.”
• A photograph of bin Laden and Ayyub al Masri sneaking into a White House State Dinner disguised as a pair of Washington socialites.
• Application with a real estate broker in Pakistan’s northern territories looking for rental properties; filled in by “Osama bin Laden” and listing a monthly rental budget of “14 billion US Dollars.”
• A letter from Maxim Magazine apologizing that bin Laden didn’t receive the prior month’s issue, and pointing out that “In our defense, you have filed one hundred and ninety-seven ‘change of address’ cards.”
• A note from Mark Burnett, producer of reality shows including “Survivor,” addressed to Osama bin Laden, reading in pertinent part: “While we agree that a show entitled ‘Survivor: Pakistani Tribal Lands’ would certainly draw a large, curious audience, it is perhaps a little TOO real for our tastes.”
• A partially-completed manuscript tentatively titled “Cave Living For Dummies.”
• A trademark application for a “Berkah Barbie” Doll in the name of Osama bin Laden.
• A cardboard cut-out order form from a cereal box for a Cap’n Crunch license plate in the name “Osama” paper-clipped to five of the six necessary box tops.
• A rejection from Simon & Schuster publishers, rejecting a children’s cookbook proposal, reading: “Dear Mr. bin Laden: Your book, ‘Making a Real Bomb in your Mother’s Kitchen,’ does not match our publishing needs at this time. We did want to mention that we particularly liked a few of the appetizer recipes. PS: In America, the saying is ‘da bomb,’ not ‘a bomb.’”

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